Taking healthy hair to the gallows one box at a time.


Sarah Jessica Parker, Beyonce, and an impressively lengthy list of other celubutantes have been endorsing flawless at-home hair color for a hot minute now. That shine and vibrant, photo-shopped color cry out from the ads like a banshee in the night and before you know it you’ve been glamoured all the way to the drug store. One hour later your bathroom looks like a crime scene of epic proportions; stains on your sink, stains on your strands, and stains on your heart. Now you have to make the call…you know the one. The tail-between-your-legs call to the salon so you can sulk your way to a chair for a 2-3 hour color correction appointment, a hefty tab, and an embarrassing lecture. Why? Why must Beyonce and her lovely locks look so fierce??!? How does Portia light the room up with those highlights? What went wrong? I’ll tell you why and so much more in the reasons that follow.

1) Those beautiful bitches go to professionals every single time. You can’t possibly believe that between red carpet events and arena tours these gals are squatting in their showers hitting up their roots can you? Hell no! The rich and famous spend the time and money marinating in foils and toners under the watchful eye of their carefully selected glamour guru because that’s the only way to achieve great hair. An endorsement is a well-paying job that could get just about anyone to sell anything. Period.

2) They go to said professional stylists because they are… wait for it… professionals.  Hair is more complex than you think and is in fact an actual science. Every set of tresses has its own code that must be cracked before being tampered with. Everything from your natural level, to the damage your hair may already have, to the quality of your home’s water factors in. Yes, even your water. If you dunk your skull on the daily in water swimming with harsh minerals your hair color can (and most likely will) be stripped. Do you have the expertise to to decipher your own code? Yeah, didn’t think so.

3) All boxed colors are mass-produced. All. Of. Them. The likelihood of #305 “Blondes Just Want to be Blonder” gracefully lightening your hair aaaaaand your bff’s would be an act of divine intervention. As previously stated, different strokes for different folks. Also, each batch could end up a little different than the last. A stylist mixes up a formula specifically cocktailed for you personally each time you hit the chair. If your hair has been rocked by a sunny stint in the caribbean he/or she will adjust your formula accordingly. Savvy?

4) There is no telling how long that shit has been decaying on the shelves. Seriously.

5) Would you trust your gal pal (or yourself) to cut your precious locks? Me either. Dying your own hair can result in a similar experience. It’s what the salon world calls a “chemical cut” and it looks absolutely awful on everyone.

In conclusion, I would like to say from the deepest part of my styling soul, that you are worth more than a $9.95 box of drug store hair tragedy. Skip the walk of shame to your salon and opt for a new lip gloss instead.